About two months ago I was trying to find a solution to an ongoing problem that I’ve had, and an idea came into my head, which I didn’t really like and at the time logistically wouldn’t work anyway. So of course I fought the idea because I really didn’t like it, and just kept asking God in prayer if this was really something that he wanted me to do, or if it was me just running away from my problem. Well, it got to the point where there was a date in which I had to make the decision, and if I didn’t then (I believed) the decision would be made for me. So as the time got closer and closer I got more panicked because I seriously did not know what God wanted me to do, or maybe I did know, but didn’t want to deal with it. Well, I had plans for last weekend, and then the hurricane decided to come along and cancel all those plans, so my idea actually took effect a few days earlier than expected. And since that time I thought there would be a lot of little decisions that I would need to make involving how I spend my time, but every time one of those decisions loomed in front of me, it was answered for me, usually a few days before the event. So what I feel God is trying to show me through this is that I need to take things one day at a time, and not try to plot out the next day or week, because with each day, God has shown me the answer as to what I should do or taken the decision out of my hands. I still feel like a mess at times and am not really happy with some aspects of this decision, but it’s been cool to see God working in my life and directly showing me what He’s wanted me to do, and given me the ‘way out’ when I needed it.

About a month ago (a little bit longer than a month ago) I got back from a trip to Ocean City for 4 days. We had the house for a week but I stayed home for the beginning of the trip and went to worship practice and a Phillies game and worked and headed up mid-week. We rented the same house and same floor that we had rented five years ago. I couldn’t help but think about the past being there, with so many things being the same yet so many things being different.

The last time I stayed in that house I was 21 yrs old and I was going into my last year at Rowan. I was terrified at the idea of beginning to start a job search because I had no clue what I was doing. I also didn’t spend a lot of time with Christians that summer for I’m sure a lot of different reasons, laziness on my part definitely being one of them. My relationship with God wasn’t that good and I was really bitter about a few different things (which aren’t worth going into right now). I think of that as the summer before God really got ahold of me. I didn’t even realize that I was having issues spiritually until I got back to Rowan that fall and began having a lot of long conversations through aim with Mark Anderson and he invited me to go to Koinonia, which was the young adult group at Joy at that time.

A few things that happened on the 2006 trip were that I ended up in the ER because I scratched my cornea (who knows how) and it was the last time that I ate a meal from McDonalds (no Shamrock shakes do not count lol).

Being there was like looking in a mirror 24/7. I couldn’t help but see the person I was and the person that I am now. And I wouldn’t say by any means that I’m perfect now or have everything all figured out, because I definitely don’t, but it’s cool to see how God has worked in my life in the past five years. I was reading the Bible then but it was mainly because I felt like I had to, and here I am in the midst of reading the Bible in a year, and enjoying reading it, and trying to listen for God to speak to me through the reading. This year was also the first time I ever drove to Ocean City. I know this sounds pretty crazy, and I’ve been there plenty of times, but I’ve always gotten a ride with somebody else. So, as silly as it may sound, it was a big deal to me.

At work we test our phone line every morning and I’m often the one who receives the call. Usually when I get it I’ll say something like, ‘thanks, have a good day’. I started thinking about that one day a few weeks ago. Have a good day. What is a good day? Do we really care if the person has a good day when we say it, or are we often just saying it without thinking? What would it actually mean for that person to have a good day? Just a few months ago the verse that was on my mind a lot was Psalm 118:24 (go look it up), because everyday is a gift from God, and I don’t want to spend my life just looking forward to tomorrow or the weekend, but I want to find at least one thing to be positive about everyday. I think somehow I got away from this, and I want to get back to it. I’m getting tired of proverbially holding my breath all the time. I have to make a decision and I only have a week to make it. No, I can’t go into any details about it, but if you’re reading this please pray for me for guidance as to whether this is something that God wants me to do or if it’s just me running from my problem. I’m sorry to be so vague but I don’t want anyone influencing my decision.

Today I was thinking about the saying to treat others as you would like to be treated. Yet sometimes that person wouldn’t want to be treated the way we would want to be treated, so to treat them that way wouldn’t make them happy at all. Not that certain things are bad, just every person has different preferences as to how they like to be treated. So maybe what we should say instead is treat others the way they would want to be treated.

Camping with guys is always an interesting experience… they are def blunt at times, yet I know I couldn’t get away with saying some things that they say cause they would all make a big deal about it. Not a big deal at all, just something I find humorous. I started letting some things get to me that I prob should have just laughed off, but it wasn’t until Saturday so I guess that’s a good thing. And I’m sure being under the weather and not getting enough sleep didn’t help.

I realized shortly after I woke up on Tuesday that my throat didn’t exactly feel right, but I tried to ignore it for most of the day. I rarely get sick and when I do it’s usually the kind of sick where you can function it’s just annoying. Well last year the Monday before we left for Creation I got a sore throat sometime during the day, woke up Tuesday with a stuffy nose, and had a cold throughout all of Creation… which made me feel like the ppl I went with were mad at me all week for getting them sick. I def didn’t want a repeat of last year so my response was to ignore the sore throat until I left. So here I am, walking around Wal-mart on Tuesday night scratching my insanely itchy ankles (cause I’m a mosquito magnet and had a bunch of mosquito bites on my ankles), trying unsuccessfully to ignore my sore throat, and hoping the trailer with alllll my stuff will make it there. I even agreed to drink tea (which I never do!) cause Rob thought it might help me. And my mom is cracking me up, because for the third year she asks me to let her know when I get there, then proceeds to text me a few times during the drive and ask me if we’re there yet, and say she’s surprised it’s taking so long to get there (which she says every year).

So overall I was happy with the fact that I was more independent this year than I have been in previous years. One day I was getting restless at camp, (because as I said, sitting and doing nothing is very foreign to me) and I decided I (actually) wanted to be alone for a little bit, so I took a walk, and ran into Sasha so talked with her for awhile before continuing on my way. All I had said to the guys was that I would be back, so I don’t think they had any clue where I was. I couldn’t sit on the hill we were sitting on for Chris Tomlin and Third Day on the second night of shows because my ankles and feet started hurting (due to the hill) and I had really wanted to go up front for Chris Tomlin, yet at the same time felt guilty about leaving the group, knowing Rob wasn’t feeling well. In the past two years I don’t know that I would have been able to go up front by myself, especially already being a little under the weather myself, but I went, and ended up having a great time (and almost losing my voice hahaha). Once Chris Tomlin finished the crowd started inching forward and I ended up being packed between people and started getting worried about how safe I would be by myself in such a large group of people; but I trusted God to take care of me and He did. I wasn’t sure how Communion was going to be alone but they distributed everything to a large crowd pretty quickly and being in a crowd of people alone when everyone was with other people wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Then I ran into Dan and his friend Jesse, and even though my nearly flat feet were killing me and I had planned to go back to camp after the show I went where they wanted to go and hung out with them for awhile (jumped up and down to insanely loud music). Even though it wasn’t really my scene it wasn’t bad and it was cool to see Dan having such a good time and to get to hang out with him. When I finally made it back to camp (couldn’t call anyone cause I didn’t have my phone on me) Christian was worried about me, and it was kind of nice to get the whole, ‘where were you?’ as soon as I got back to camp.

Hiking to the lookout tower is always a fun time, getting to shoot a scene where Jimmy pushed Christian and Tom up the mountain without laughing was fun, even though our group left us.

I didn’t get along as well with Tom as I did last year. I know a lot of our ‘arguing’ is just banter and is in good humor, but sometimes it can be a little mentally exhausting, and throwing out joking insults is just not who I am. Just because I can come up with them doesn’t mean I always like what I say, and sometimes think after the fact that I should have just ignored him or not let him bother me as much as I did.

It was hard for me not to get insecure at times, because camping is not something that comes naturally to me. I can deal with most of it fine, but don’t thrive at all. I don’t know how to pitch a tent or cook/grill with propane (yeah I think they all enjoyed laughing at the fact that I was seriously terrified that I would blow up camp or at best lose my eyebrows) but it was kinda stressful not knowing when I was gonna eat a real meal next and not just snack. Being dependent on other people for meals was definitely a source of insecurity that I tried to laugh off, but it was hard for me to do. I think they kinda saw it as you’re the girl this is what you should be good at, this is what you should contribute, and I was such an epic fail in that area that it made me feel terrible. I’m glad I was able to be the phone master cause without that I’m not really sure what I could contribute. And I don’t say this to try to fish for compliments that’s just how it is.

It was really good to catch up with the crew, people I only get to see once a year, and it was sooo awesome that we all camped right near each other and got to have a joint campfire. I didn’t know if Brittany was gonna be there or not, so to be walking back to camp after my shower on Wed. evening and to see her walking towards me was an awesome surprise. Now that this is the third year they are no longer strangers. Last year it was cool to see everyone again but I didn’t have the time to get to know them that well the first year because Creation isn’t even a week long, and then a year passed before I saw them again. A year passed again, but just the fact that it was the third year seemed to help things.

I’ll admit it: getting pelted with water balloons wasn’t terrible, and I’ll just leave it at that.

Candlelight it always my favorite part of Creation and it did not disappoint. I wish I could put into words just how breathtaking and beautiful it is to look up the hill and see just the light from everyone’s candles. It’s amazing.

I got to have some good talks, which for me was reminiscent of the first year that I went to Creation. I ended up talking to Rob for awhile about fear and being afraid of losing something that’s really important to you. I didn’t really want to talk about it, partly because fear isn’t something that’s easy to talk about, and partly because I didn’t want him to think badly of me, but no matter how many times I said I didn’t want to talk about it, and messed up my words because I couldn’t figure out what to say to describe what was burdening my mind, I know it’s good to talk about those kinds of things. For the record, I’ve been trying to tell my brain to shut up due to all the insecurities I’ve been feeling this week dealing with being home and just rehashing the trip in my mind and what I should and shouldn’t have said or done. Not so sure how successful I’ve been but I’m trying.

I was wary to go back after last year, but I’m glad that I went. Overall I had a good time. I don’t know if I’ll go back next year (I say that every year btw) guess I’ll see what’s going on when it starts getting closer. I’m not sure if this blog captures that because it’s so much easier for me to write about the negative than the positive, but I really did laugh a lot and enjoy myself.

Last year I tried to join one of the worship teams at Joy and, long story short, it didn’t work out; but I talked with a few of the leaders about the possibility of auditioning later, once I got practice singing with people again. So I talked to Kent about singing with the RCF worship team to get practice singing with people again. It seemed like a safe place to me, that I wouldn’t worry as much about singing with RCF people, so it would be a good practice for me to get used to singing in a group and singing into a mic again. That same day that I talked to Kent he suggested I go to his church’s worship team practices on Saturday nights so I could get more practice singing with other people. I thought it was a good idea but my Saturdays were pretty busy at that time with running, meeting with people to discuss reading the bible in a year, and RCF worship practice. besides that I thought they were meeting at their church to practice (I didn’t know at the time they have church in a school) and didn’t know how to get to their church. I tend to avoid things I’m uncertain about so though I thought it would be a good idea to go to their Saturday night practices I didn’t follow up with him about it, and he didn’t say anything else to me about it. A few months later I was talking with Alan about some issues I was having with singing and mentioned it to him. He thought it was a good idea and said Rob and I could come to practice that Saturday if we wanted. So that Saturday we went to worship practice, and next thing I know Alan was asking if we wanted to sing with them at church the next day. I was torn for several reasons but ended up deciding to go sing with them. I decided around that time that I would ideally like to sing with them once a month, because I liked singing with them and felt like I was making a difference, but loved going to Joy. So this started a trend of going to their worship practice pretty much every Saturday night and having so much fun, and trying to decide which week that month I was going to go to their church.

Then for about two months (mid-February to mid-April) I didn’t go to their church at all for a lot of reasons. I went on Joy’s retreat the first weekend in March and felt really optimistic and connected with the church and really wanting to meet new people and get more involved and just had a new enthusiasm I had never had before to go to life group on Monday nights and catch up with everybody. People at SJCC noticed I hadn’t been in awhile and a few people made comments on how I hadn’t been there and when was I going to be there again. I decided to go one particular week because I knew I couldn’t go the week after, figured I wouldn’t go on Easter weekend because they probably already had everything planned, so the next week I would be able to go would have been three weeks later and it had already been almost two months. Well, starting with that week I ended up going to SJCC three out of the next four weeks, including Easter. I didn’t go anywhere Good Friday because I went to the Flyers playoff game with my dad on my birthday (the tickets were a birthday present). I didn’t tell anyone that in my life group, and because I had listened to some of the messages ahead of time on my ipod, kind of let them believe I had been at Joy because I wasn’t sure how they would feel about me going to SJCC, and going exactly the opposite of my goal of times to go.

After those 4 weeks I started feeling really torn. I missed Joy and really wanted to get back so I went the following Sunday morning, but found out later that some of the SJCC people had kind of expected that I would be there and had asked where I was and why I wasn’t there. I started to feel bad about it and wanted to see some people, so I ended up right back at SJCC the following week. I figured out between those Sundays that if I was to follow my once a month original plan I couldn’t go back to SJCC until July, and the thought made me sad. This week I went to Joy and was reminded again of how in-depth and amazing the teaching is, when I felt super convicted by the message that was preached.

There was plans originally for a bridge walk with the Thursday night bible study group across the Ben Franklin bridge today, so because of that I went to the 11 service at Joy. I am a creature of habit so this was probably the third time I’ve been to the 11am service in the approx three and a half years that I’ve been going to Joy. The bridge walk ended up getting canceled and I talked with a few people after the service, including having a long talk with non-blonde, non-dancing (no I don’t think this name will ever go away haha) Melissa about what’s been going on in my life. And while I know she said everything she said because she cared I found myself forced to think about things I hadn’t thought about in a while and it caused another conversation to happen later because, like it or not, it just seemed necessary. I don’t want to be too repetitive so if you want to read (or re-read) my blog from the end of January that is kind of what I’m dealing with. I don’t know if my waiting on the possibility of something happening with Rob is obedient or disobedient, I’m struggling with guarding my heart, and I am reminded once again that everyone has an opinion. I really like spending time with him and I can’t see that changing anytime soon, the idea of not spending time with him scares me a lot. Consequently I’ve been in a weird mood all day. I did have a great time of prayer (well before I fell asleep) and I am grateful for that time in prayer, even though I didn’t appreciate the circumstances that led to it.

Oh, and I’ve also been feeling borderline burned out because of everything I’ve been involved in lately, so prayer for balancing everything would be appreciated.

There are three people in my life who have, in their own ways, been such an encouragement to me (Rob, Karen, and Steph). I’ve gotten what seem to me to be random texts from all of them, saying things like, “I hope you’re having a good day,” or “I can’t wait to see you”. It makes my day, it really does. Dave made a comment at life group last week that we don’t know how our words can possibly make or break someone’s day. I say this because I have in my life so many times held back from saying a kind word or following up with people and trying to encourage them because I made it all about me. I didn’t want to be a bother to them. I’ll know sometimes that someone is going through something, and I’ll want to follow up with them and see how it went, but I’m afraid to be a bother. Then I’ll wait too long, and it seems the window has passed to say something to them.

Every once in awhile I’ll just ignore that voice in my head that says that I would be bothering them and I’ll send something, try to be an encouragement. I’ll say to myself that I’m treating them the way that I would want to be treated, that when I do get the “I hope you’re having a good day” how much it makes my day. Then after I do I’m pretty much waiting on a response and if I don’t hear one the doubt starts to creep back in, like “oh you’re being too clingy by saying that” or “you’re bothering them”. And that is NOT THE POINT. The point in being an encouragement is all about the other person and I turn around and make it all about me. I don’t want to make everything all about me, I want to learn how to put others first and just think about what I can do for them, and not feel so self-conscious about it. This is something that I’ve struggled with for pretty much my whole life.

Another thing that I’ve been thinking about lately is stuff. Most of us have a lot of things, and while we know we shouldn’t get attached to things, it’s easy to do. This has become apparent to me lately, because lately I’ve been leaving a lot of things a lot of places. I don’t think this used to be such an issue as it has been lately, and I’m hoping that now that I’ve had this insight it won’t be anymore. It started around the time when I started going to my life group, and I left a sweater at church. I was able to get it back but then a few weeks later I left my bible at church. One thing that really stresses me out is unresolved issues. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to get either of these items back and in both circumstances I had to wait a few days for the issue to be resolved. I want to resolve things right away, or at least have a plan as to how they will be resolved, and when I can’t I tend to think about the unresolved issue constantly and worry that it won’t be resolved. The sweater was one of my favorite sweaters, and one thing I love about the bible that I left at church is that it’s small and fits in a few of my purses so I can keep it with me all the time. I was able to get them both back by stopping at Joy on the way to life group different weeks.

I took a few days off from work in December because I had some vacation time that I needed to use and I wanted to have a few days during the week to go Christmas shopping and not have to worry about the crazy crowds on the weekends. This also ended up being a blessing because of the fact that I had a pretty crazy month of December and to have the chance to have some time off and catch up on my sleep was much needed. The one day I was planning to knock out most of my Christmas shopping, and for some reason I decided that I wanted to wear my Penn State hoodie. Well I looked everywhere I thought it could possibly be and it was nowhere to be found. I stopped looking and wore a different hoodie so I could get my shopping done, but continued to look when I came home and got annoyed because I felt like I was wasting time off and wished I knew where it was. I posted on facebook that it was missing too, just in case I left it at one of the groups that I go to, and in the back of my mind starting resigning myself to the idea that I might not get it back. Now that is my favorite hoodie, because I like how it looks and it fits me better than all my other hoodies. I also had purposely not worn it yet that winter, and was upset at the idea of losing it. I know it’s just a sweatshirt and I could always buy another one, but I really liked it. Christian then took a picture of a Penn State hoodie and put it on a milk carton as a joke, but Melodie ended up seeing this picture and when we talked at RCF she told me that it had been left at the lock-in (which was in November, so man was I oblivious) and she told me she would get it to Brianna who could then get it back to me, because we talked at the last meeting for the semester and she wasn’t going to be back until January. I didn’t even care when I got it back, just knowing that this was resolved and I was going to get it back was all that mattered to me at that point. Well, Melodie ended up holding onto the hoodie, and when RCF started back up she forgot to bring it to our first unofficial meeting, then I missed the next meeting cause of snow. The weekend after that first unofficial meeting I was at Stagecoach for worship practice on a Sunday night, and me being me, I brought my copy of Forgotten God with me, figuring if there was any downtime I could read the chapter for the week. I made sure I had all my stuff with me, then I stopped at a table to pick up a bible reading plan, and it wasn’t until I was halfway home that I realized I might not have my book with me, and confirmed when I got home that I had left it at the church. I talked to Jay and he was able to get it for me on Tuesday when he had worship practice at the church. My main fear was that because I had left it on a table that has a lot of free giveaway stuff that someone was going to think it was a free book and unintentionally take it. Sunday to Tuesday seemed like a really long time, and I was annoyed with myself as well because I had just ordered three free books (my dad had wanted to use his Borders gift cards because he was afraid they were going out of business but didn’t have anything he wanted to order so he gave them to me) and could have reordered that book if I needed to. I found out on Tuesday night that he did have my book. So now two people had two of my things. I felt like such a mess. I was really enjoying Forgotten God, and knew I wasn’t going to get my reading done for group that week. Well it turned out we didn’t meet that week because of snow. That following weekend we had a prayer brunch at Briana’s house. I ended up leaving my car at her house afterward to go with Rob to Egg Harbor to look at the car that he now has. After that we were running late to worship practice so I asked him if we could go right to practice and then go get my car when it was done; he was ok with that. So after practice was over he drove me to my car, and I got in and it started ok, but when I tried to back up the car wouldn’t move. I was pretty much panicking at that point, wasn’t sure what to do. I always keep gloves in my coat pockets so in case I need them they’re already there. So I noticed that I didn’t have one of my gloves, but I thought it may have dropped in the passenger seat of my car or in Rob’s truck and wasn’t overly concerned about it. After we managed to get the car unstuck I just wanted to get home, so I didn’t stop to see if I had left it there. When I got home I found out it wasn’t in my car and when I asked Rob the next day he didn’t have it either. Again, I was stressed out just because of the fact that it was an unresolved issue, and now I had three missing items. I had to go into work that day for systems training for a few hours, then I went home, and ended up talking to Briana later that day and found out that she did have my glove. I figured if I couldn’t get it back it would have been better for me to have lost both gloves, because at least then somebody may have found them who could use them. I asked her if she was going to be home that night because one route I could take to go to Stagecoach would put me really close to her house, but I never heard back from her. Now I really felt like a mess because three different people had my stuff, but I was happy and relieved that I knew where they were. So I ended up going to group that Thursday night, even though we had two weeks to read the chapter with it unread, because I didn’t have my book, but I was able to get it back at practice that Saturday. So I was thinking to myself, ‘ok 1 out of 3 things back’. I was hoping to get my hoodie back that week at RCF but it didn’t happen, and I didn’t even try to get my glove back. I knew that Steph was having a girls night that upcoming Friday and that most likely I wasn’t going, but though maybe Briana would come and bring it with her, and she could give it to someone who could give it to me at the next Thursday meeting. The following week I went to RCF and it wasn’t there, but I just really wanted to have the issue resolved and get it back, so I ended up staying with the crew at Prof’s Place until way late when they left and drove Melodie back to her apt so that I could get my hoodie back. I did have a good time hanging out with everyone at Prof’s Place though, so that was a plus. I now had 2 out of 3 back. Then this past week I found out the next prayer brunch was going to be back at Briana’s and not at the IHOP like the plan originally was. When I got to her house one of the first things she said to me was that she had my glove, so I was able to get it back. So I’m officially reunited with all my stuff, which is nice . Now this whole time when I’ve been losing things and trying to get stuff back I just kept trying to tell myself that, that it’s just stuff, it’s just things, and that those things were given to me, and they can be taken away. I know we shouldn’t be attached to things, but sometimes this it’s easy to get attached to things and really want to get them back.

The thing that I learned most from the experience was the same thing I learned when I gave up watching tv for 40 days back in the summer of 09, and that is that old habits are hard to break. I did listen to secular music a few times but the times that I remember most were when I was in the car with my dad. He’s not a Christian and I know listening to some of the songs would have made him uncomfortable. I think on my own I only forgot and listened to secular music once or twice.

The only artist that I found myself missing and wanting to listen to as soon as the month was over was Kate Voegele.  I don’t have anything against secular music. I’ve been singing pretty much my whole life, and if I like the lyrics to a song or something about it just catches my attention I’ll listen to it and it can encourage me or brighten my day, whether it’s considered Christian or not. 

I did like that I knew I was either gonna stay on one of three radio stations or listen to music on my phone, and I put all Christian songs on my phone. I also liked not having to listen to some popular secular songs that I don’t like while flipping through the stations to find good songs.  In case you didn’t already know I don’t have a cd player in my car and I used to listen to my ipod through a tape adapter but my tape player broke. Now that I’m back to having choices I kind of like going to the three Christian stations first before checking other stations.

I do like how listening to Christian music can change your mindset and help you to focus on God more than you otherwise might. I don’t know if I would ever want to listen to just Christian music but I did enjoy the month. The one complaint I would have is that on my commute home Hope FM was all sermons and my brain is too overworked for them at that time and both Reach FM and K Love sometimes static out on me, especially K Love when I’m getting near the highway off ramp, which is really annoying when there’s a good song on.

I first just want to say that I love all of you and I appreciate you and your concern and prayers more than you know.  Even if I don’t do exactly what you suggest that I do, know that I am considering what you have said to me. A lot of the questions I’ve been asked to consider I either have thought about them or am thinking about them, some pretty often.

Sometimes I really wish that I could see the future.  I’ve just finished reading a fictional account of the story of Tamar from the Bible, and I had read that story in the Bible several times before but never really thought about what it must have been like to be her, when everything seemed like such a mess and she felt like a failure and a disappointment. It’s so much easier to be calm in a situation when you already know the outcome.  Truth be told none of us knows what’s going to happen, as much as we think that we do.  God is always working behind the scenes, not always the way we want Him to, but He’s always working.

There’s this theory called hindsight bias, which says that everything makes sense when viewing it after it already has happened. There are a lot of duelling cliches out there that can make a lot of outcomes seem like they were obvious when they really weren’t. 

Ultimately I know that God is working all things together for my good because that is what His Word promises.  I’m trying to discern His will for this situation.  I want His best, though sometimes this is a struggle for me to try not to just tell God what I think is best.  As I’ve been reading through the Bible in a year I’ve noticed just how often God has His people wait for things that really matter, like Sarah not having a child until she was 90 or Jacob having to work 14 years for Rachel to be his wife or the Israelites being slaves for 400 years in Egypt before God set them free. God didn’t forget about them and everything happens in his perfect timing.

On the flipside I don’t want to be waiting for something if this is being disobedient to God. If God wants me to give something up because His best for me is someone else or to be alone, then I know He will give me the strength to give this up for good. 

I’ve been given a lot of advice and for the most part the only thing it’s done is made me fear man. When someone gives me advice and I don’t follow it or follow it and then stop for whatever reason I’m always afraid that the person will be mad at me or judge me.  This causes me to sometimes feel like people are sizing up my every move or not come and talk to that person anymore for fear of how they’ll respond to me.

Two side notes: I know that God’s will won’t ever contradict His Word (so learning to guard my heart is important) and I know that God can speak through His people.  However, most of the advice I’ve been given I don’t think is God speaking through His people as much as people trying to tell me what they think is best.

So in short what I could really use is prayer.  Prayer that God will show me His will and give me the strength to follow it. I don’t really want advice from anyone other than God. I want to live by faith instead of sight.  Now if God speaks to you regarding me I’m not saying don’t tell me, but He is the only One I want to hear from about all this.

The question that was asked to me recently, which really freaked me out, was how long am I going to wait? What if I turn around and its 3 years later and I’m 28 and I’m still alone?  Truth is I hope that doesn’t happen.  However, as Switchfoot reminds us, ‘today is all you’ve got now, and today is all you’ll ever have’. This life is too short to settle for anything less than God’s best.  So all I can do is make my decisions for today. I can’t tell you right now how things will be in a year or two from now. 

All of the advice from people is going around and around in my head, all this pressure and expectations I may not be able to meet, and making it really hard for me to listen for God’s voice.  So the biggest help anyone who wants to help me can do is to pray for guidance from God as to what to do.

I don’t like being tickled. No, I’m not just saying that the way some girls do when they’re trying to be flirty with a guy or whatever. Some people have learned this the hard way that when I say I hate being tickled that I … actually … mean … it.

I think the main reason I always hated it was because it’s such a contradiction. Usually you laugh when you’re having a good time and enjoying yourself, but when you’re being tickled you can’t help but laugh. Even if you don’t like it, if you’re ticklish (and I’m probably the most ticklish person on the planet) you’re gonna laugh. It’s inevitable. And so you’re giving this impression to the world that you’re enjoying yourself and you’re happy because you’re laughing, but inside you’re thinking the opposite, you’re screaming, stopstopstopstopstop but you can’t say it because you’re too busy laughing.

When I start to get tickled I instantly start to panic. All these thoughts of escape come into my head and cloud out everything else, except, ‘what if I can’t get away?’ One time when I was being ticked I ended up elbowing Melissa really hard in the chest and had no idea cause I had no awareness of my body. The only thought that kept going in a loop in my head was ‘need to get away, need to get away’. I’ll start flailing my arms and my legs, trying to twist and turn, do whatever to get away. I’ve fallen down several times, fallen off couches or chairs, narrowly avoided hitting my head on things, just because one of the only thoughts in my head is how can I get away.

I can’t breathe when I get tickled. I think that’s more of an effect of panicking than actually being tickled. Ask anyone who was at Bonnie’s house on Saturday night how once I stopped being tickled I started gasping for air and coughing because while I was being tickled I literally couldn’t breathe. It was scary cause that time I really couldn’t get away, and I seriously started to wonder what would happen if I couldn’t breathe real soon.

So yeah. I don’t like being tickled.

Guitar. Right now Jane has been kind enough to lend me her guitar so I can make some scary sounding notes and call it playing. Playing guitar has been a really humbling thing for me because I didn’t think it was going to be easy, but I didn’t think it was going to be this hard either. I think God may be using this experience to teach me patience, I don’t know. I borrowed the guitar on a Monday night, and by Wednesday night Alan was teaching how to play my first chord, which was when I learned that I had a whole different thing I had to deal with – pain. I had looked up some chords online the night before, but when he taught me how to play a chord and it made a buzzing noise, he told me it was because I wasn’t pressing down enough on the strings – and wow did it hurt. My fingertips are numb now, but I still don’t have calluses yet.

I get really discouraged and frustrated alarmingly fast when I’m practicing. At this point in time I don’t know that much and a lot of what I’m practicing is repetition, which makes it hard for me to practice without getting discouraged, frustrated, or my mind starts to wander, or a combination of the three. I know a lot of people who have taught themselves how to play, so pride tells me that I can do it too, but without a schedule or a time frame it’s hard for me to know if I’m progressing at an average pace or if I’m not. I kind of wonder in the back of my mind if I’m going to be able to play any song ever. Sometimes it makes me not want to practice at all. I know I should bring the guitar when I go to practices, but I don’t for two reasons – 1) because singing is really important to me, and if I try to play I won’t be able to sing, and 2) I’m nervous about playing in front of other people. Other people can take guitars and make beautiful music, and I feel like right now when I try to play it all just sounds like crap. I don’t really want to be a quitter, but I’ve been so discouraged lately that I’ve had to force myself to play. I don’t know what to do about that.

The one thing I really hate about New Year’s day is it seems like there’s all this pressure to be a better person all of a sudden, but in a lot of ways it’s just another day. Maybe the reason I don’t make new year’s resolutions is because I’d rather just resolve to do something when I think of it, whether that be in March or July or October or January.

So what happened in 2010??? Well, I got to take 2 vacations. I went to California for the first time since 1997, flew for the first time by myself. I went there to visit my aunt and we got to do a ton of fun stuff, including go to Indian Wells for the first Masters Series (tennis) event of the year. It was different from the US Open but still a lot of fun. My second vacation was my second trip to Creation, which was more fun in some ways than the year before because I knew what I was doing and knew the people better than the year before, and also got to take two trips to the lookout tower. In some ways it wasn’t as good as the previous year due to some insecurities that I wasn’t thinking about the year before, but overall I had a good time. and was glad that I went.

The summer brought about a lot of change. I don’t feel like going back and trying to remember everything that changed. I wrote a blog on it so feel free to go back and read it It was mainly frustrating just because so much was changing all at once… except the one thing I wanted to change, which stayed exactly the same. I lacked a lot of peace regarding that for pretty much the entire summer. Sometimes I wish God would just tell me what His will is, because I know that if something is God’s will that He will give me the strength to follow it, even if it’s difficult to do. I wish I knew if waiting for a guy is the smart thing to do because I’m not giving in to impatience, saying that I’m willing to wait for God’s best for me, not settling just so that I won’t be alone anymore and feel like a failure at life. At that same time, the other side of me has nagged at me the whole year saying, what if the waiting is not patiently waiting on God and for His purposes to unfold? What if it’s you being stubborn and sticking to your own will and refusing to see God’s will???

For a few months I went to the diner every other week because of this, but that didn’t work. I felt so much pressure to have to have a good time at the diner because I was only going every other week. Eventually I gave up because my expectations were too high and I was just getting disappointed everytime that I went to the diner.

From January until May I was in the gingerbread life group, and we had our once a month food nights and studied the book of John in-depth the other weeks. I got to share my testimony, and had a really great time getting to know the other people in the group. We ended the week before Memorial Day weekend, and I didn’t have any groups until the end of July, after going to Ethos for one week, and finding out they were ending as well.

Right now I’m very blessed because I have several groups that I’m a part of. I’ve got a new life group, and sometimes I do feel like, well I’m young what do I have to contribute, what do I have to offer; yet at the same time it’s cool getting to know different people in the church and having a more diverse life group. I always left church as soon as it was over because in the chaos of everyone leaving I usually couldn’t find anyone to talk to, yet I’ve become one of those people who stays until the next service talking to people, which has been cool. Different, but cool. I’ve been going back to RCF, which still feels really weird at times, but has been really great at the same time. I really was at peace with the idea of visiting every once in awhile, especially because all the people who were freshman when I was a senior graduated last year. I really thought I knew what was going to happen in that regards, but I didn’t. God surprised me. Thursday nights I’ve been going to a group, and the first few weeks I wasn’t really sure what I was doing because we were discussing a book I didn’t own. Then we started the Purpose Driven Life, which I had read twice before, once on my own and once with a small group, but hadn’t read since 2007, so a lot of the stuff in it I had forgotten. It has also been really great just forming relationships with people and getting to know other people better that I knew but didn’t know that well. Sometimes on Saturday nights I’ll practice with the worship team for SJCC, and being asked to sing at their church has been a real blessing, because I was never asked to sing with anyone before that, I always did the asking. Sunday nights we are forming a worship band at Stagecoach, and watching the group come together has been really cool so far, and I know that it’s just going to get better and better.

One thing I really have tried to do for a few months now is just to see things positively and try to just look forward to the good things that can happen and see things in a positive light. For the most part I’ve been able to do this, which sometimes I fall into negative thinking patterns, and to force myself to shift my thinking habits has been an interesting thing.

So here I am looking to 2011, wondering if I should try to make some kind of resolution. Nothing has come into my mind so far. Like I said I always feel like things should be different all of a sudden because it’s a new year, but in a lot of ways things are the same as they were yesterday and the day before that. I’m trying not to let that get me down, because overall I am happy with my life. I just hope that in the ways that I’m not certain that God will guide and direct me so that I can make the right decisions, ones that will please Him. I’ve been following a reading plan to read through the Bible in a year, and so often I find that God has His people wait and go through hard times for the things that matter most. I don’t know if that is what God is doing in my life, but I guess only time will tell.

I’ve had some amaaazing opportunities to hang out with some great people, and while sometimes I wish I could get some more sleep, it’s all been worth it.  Yeah there’s been some drama (when is there not?) but my day planner has been packed and it’s been a pretty cool thing.

Music (especially singing) has always been very important to me, and I’ve been able to sing with the RCF worship team, which is something I never thought I would do again after I graduated and handed it over to Laura.  I’ve had my comfort level stretched, which has been stressful at times, but I know in the end that it’s worth it, even if I complain (a lot) during the process.  Vocal lessons have been stressful for me, but I’ve learned that I can sing notes I never thought I could, which is cool.  Besides that I’ve wanted to learn how to play the guitar for years, and I’ve told several people this (it’s even in my profile on facebook!)  But I’ve always been a talker in a lot of areas of my life, just saying things that in the back of my mind I don’t know if they’ll ever happen.  Well Kent, Alan and Rob haven’t let me be a talker when it comes to playing guitar, and they’ve been on my case constantly, asking me if I’ve bought my guitar yet, when I’m going to get it, etc.  And truth be told, I’m super intimidated cause I don’t know if my brain works right to even figure out how to play, and I don’t know if I have the time it takes to put into learning.  Jane offered to lend me her guitar, so while I’m sure the kidnapping will still happen at some point, it may not happen as soon now (?) because she will be lending me the guitar shortly.  So I’m nervous, yeah.  This is gonna be interesting…

Besides that, some people from my Thursday night group are starting a worship band that practices on Sunday nights, and I was hesitant to add another night to my schedule initially.  I went to my first practice, their second, this past Sunday, and felt like I fit in right away, and had a great time singing with everybody.

The whole reason I started singing with RCF was cause I was trying to prepare for an audition to be on one of the worship teams at Joy, because the whole process that happened this summer ended with them deciding that I shouldn’t be on any of the worship teams currently, but maybe later.  I’ve never been asked to sing with anyone, I always did the asking.  I asked to join Fresh Fish.  I asked to join RCF.  I asked to join Elevate.  I asked (again) to join RCF.  So having Alan ask me to sing with them at church was kind of a big deal for me, especially because I’d never been to their church before.  I ended up debating with Rob for about 45 minutes that night whether we should sing with them or not the next day (though why we debated is beyond me, cause I think we knew the whole time we were gonna say yes), and he said to me that sometimes I have to see God’s answers to my prayers.  Yes, I was praying to sing on the worship team at my church, and yes, God answered my prayer, just not how I thought he would.  I can’t say that I would want to sing there every week cause I love Joy, but it was fun to sing with them and it’s been fun practicing with them on Saturday nights, and I wouldn’t be opposed to singing with them in church again sometime.

I was getting ready to finish up reading the Bible for the third time, and thinking about how I should see if anyone wants to read through the Bible with me when I started up again.  It took me almost three years this past time to read through it (I started in beginning-mid January 2008 and finished in October 2010).  Then I got lazy and didn’t do it.  Well I was almost finished reading it when Bonnie sent out an e-mail that she wanted to read through the Bible in a year and wanted to know who wanted to read with her.  I hesitated at first.  It took me almost three years the last time, and I figured on a similar time-frame for my next time reading through it as well.  But I knew the timing on her sending out the e-mail, right when I was finishing a THREE YEAR read through of the Bible and wanting to read with other people, was from God.  So when she sent out another e-mail I replied and said I was interested, but was still trying to get it to 2 years at the time… It’s been a great time, challenging myself to keep up with the reading, and meeting up with the other people reading and discussing it every Saturday.  It’s amazing how we can be talking about the Bible and not really speaking much about ourselves, but I still feel like I’m getting to know people a lot better and it’s been really cool.  So no regrets at all.  I also love how we’ll be talking discussing the reading we’ve done, and I’m constantly having other chapters or verses from the Bible come to mind as we’re talking, I’m surprising myself with what of the Bible I have in my mind already.  God is amazing like that, helping me to retain things from previous studies and readings of the Bible.

Monday night life group is coming along better and better as I’ve been getting to know people better and better.  It was hard for me at first to open up, and I’m still not opening up as much as I usually do, but I think I’m getting better.  I feel bad sometimes that I’ll leave everyone to go to the diner, but I think they understand.

Thursday night group has been going on great, especially since they switched to a new book so I was then able to read along with them… I’ve been able to, through smaller group events, get to know a lot of people in the group better, which has been really cool.  We’re about to enter a few weeks where a bunch of us are going to share our testimonies, and I want to take it more seriously than when I shared my testimony for the gingerbreads.  I thought I had prepared that well enough, but when I went to give it, I didn’t feel I prepared it as well as I could have.  Either way, I feel optimistic about the group in general and glad to have all of the people in it in my life.

In between that there was a lock in, some random game nights, a bachelorette party, a wedding, two fundraiser events, a hayride, a halloween party, and probably other things I can’t think of off-hand.  With the Christmas holidays coming up I’m sure things are only going to get more crazy, but I’m looking forward to all of it.  I thought what I needed was some time to breathe, but I’m going a little crazy having no plans for most of the day today, but looking forward to tomorrow